A Thorne in Their Side

 is the second episode of Failed Save.

DM's Recap
We found our adventurers transported miles north through the enchanted wardrobe of too many cardigans by an ancient man identifying himself as Philemon Akkad, the last of the Kossirik Magialim. The group had varying levels of enthusiasm for the heroism suddenly thrust upon them but were nonetheless encouraged to speak to the local town's alchemist Solana to concoct a brew that would remove the magical tracking placed on them by the Kossai. Proceeding through dense jungles, the group was briefly accosted by a mirage-like entity in the tree canopies whom Bora recognized as Thorne. Thorne told Bora to ask Dasle about something called a lattice which would allow them to move through the jungles.

Finding their way to a main road our adventurers stumbled upon a gargantuan (to everyone but Bora) half-orc woman of championship wrestling fame: Hilga "The Ham Strangler" Hornbottom, who immediately threw down - and apparently threw - an arm wrestling match with Bora, giving her a commemorative sticker wrestling belt as a prize. As it turned out, Hilga and our group were after the same person as Hilga was pursuing Solana to craft a magical mass-gaining bulking powder to perfect her pecs, aggrandize her abs, develop her delts, and lavish her lats.

But first she needed a few key ingredients, namely Thiccc Water, Blood of the Guy, and Steve's Dust. Our intrepid group searched high and low in the immediate vicinity and discovered a stream of very thick water running through a nearby root system. Dasle also discovered a magic wand, which when activated without hesitation just fucking exploded. Seething into town, fans fawning Hilga all the way, we entered Solana's alchemy shop expecting the namesake alchemist but instead met her intern Phil "The Guy" who informed them that Solana had gone underground to tend her ingredient gardens and regaled our group at Chirp's incessant insistence of stories of his misadventures in the shop - such as the time he crushed his thighs in the juicer or his experiences in the dusting machine.

Underground our team found Solana killing molamites, who look nothing like beagle puppies. Everyone lept into action and demolished their respective mites in style, except for Dasle who is now cursed with a six-day mullet and mite filth. Upstairs Solana heard the adventurers out and realized that both concoctions required one more magical reagent to complete them: fractal lichen. Problem being fractal lichen is known to only grow in predecessor ruins, highly protected areas locked away from trespassers. Solana provided them with three horses to get them the half-day's ride to the nearest ruin, horses by the names of Slippery, Sticky, and Sumptuous.

Our heroes ventured forth into the ruins, witnessing a beautiful display of the jungle's life as night fell. Arriving in the ruin however they found it occupied by soldiers wearing Aresian armor but certainly not Aresian themselves. A bit of clever sleuthing - not that clever - revealed these trespassers to be Kossai. Hilga immediately marched into the ruin and announced herself, prompting one of the fake soldiers - apparently from Fantasy Brooklyn - to deny her entry despite Dasle's valiant attempt to disguise herself in a jessica rabbit but with a mullet-esque visage. Only a few of the guards were charmed and even that was a miracle. Everyone held their own including Ella, who fought while firmly affixed to the back of Sticky.

As they proceeded on the group discerned that there were originally more agents present, some of whom had transported something out of the ruin and left. Just outside the ruin the team discovered a note addressed to an Agent Morning Dove and written by one Loša, informing them of the reason for the mission here. The group found a mysterious shrine inside that perplexed and bewildered but could discern little else. Further in there was a room simply plastered with fractal lichen floor to ceiling but guarded by a great marble statue which came to life, raised a ring from the ground and, challenged Hilga to a wrestling match! It was tight but she defeated him handily, sending his head sailing across the room for Murray to catch as a keepsake.

As the team headed back to town, providing the ingredient to Solana for their respective potions and were freed from the spell cursing them, Hilga chugged her entire supply of bulking supplement in one go, doubling her size and stopping her heart, but she was so damn strong she just didn't need it anymore. Exiting the potion shop however, the group found it completely encircled by actual Aresian soldiers with a great mustachioed elf at their head who informed them "I am Captain Virian Viveer and you are all under arrest! Jolly good!"